Motherhood...behind the curtains

“Mothers are all slightly insane.” - J.D. Salinger

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No one ever said that being a mother is easy because we are, after all human, before we are mothers. We laugh, we cry, we get angry, we get crazy, silly, and whatnot. We can be at our strongest or at our weakest where our family is concerned. And crazy as a mad hatter when our husband become as helpless as our kids. We are not only a mother to our kids but become mothers to our husband and other family members as well. 

" telling me to be happy: "Henry, smile! why don't you ever smile?"

and then she would smile, to show me how, and 

it was the saddest smile I ever saw” - Charles Bukovski

No one will ever notice our silent cry for help, nor notice the sadness in our eyes. No one will ever ask how our day went, or how we feel, or what we want to do over the weekend, surprises will be a thing in the past. But we will often hear them complain about their food, where their stuff are, why they have to help do the chores, why they can't go places when their friends are able to. 

"Through the blur, I wondered if I was alone or if other parents felt the same way I did - that everything involving our children was painful in some way. The emotions, whether they were joy, sorrow, love or pride, were so deep and sharp that in the end they left you raw, exposed and yes, in pain. The human heart was not designed to beat outside the human body and yet, each child represented just that - a parent's heart bared, beating forever outside its chest.” - Debra Ginsberg

 No one will ever be able to read the mind of a mother unless it's a daughter who has seen the same pain, or a son who wants to protect his mother, or a husband who would put his wife on a pedestal above everybody else. A mother's heart is so complex that it could reach through every child's joy and pain, through their triumphs and failures, through their laughter and tears, through life's confusion and everything in between. And so it is true, the only time we can understand our mother is when we become mothers ourselves.

“In the book Soldiers on the Home Front,

 I was greatly struck by the fact that

 in childbirth alone, women commonly suffer more pain, 

illness and misery than any war hero ever does. 

And what's her reward for enduring all that pain? 

She gets pushed aside when she's disfigured by birth, 

her children soon leave, hear beauty is gone. 

Women, who struggle and suffer pain to ensure the continuation of the human race, 

make much tougher and more courageous soldiers 

than all those big-mouthed freedom-fighting heroes put together.” - Anne Frank

No one can ever understand what goes through the mind of a mother but it will definitely take children who have gone the same road and a very supportive husband to stand as her pillar all throughout her journey as mothers to their kids.

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My thoughts on Mother's Day

There is no real peace in conflict....

Today's sermon is about Love and Peace so fitting in my quest for answers. What I found interesting is the way the priest explained how easy it is for people to love but how difficult it is for them to continue to do so...how much more easy it is for people to forget.

My Mama despite her old age is still alert as probably the day she was born... This is perhaps of the fact that at an early age, her growing up stage fast forwarded right before her eyes. Being the eldest of a brood of 8, she had to forego the usual teenage route. Why? Because at an early age she lost a father... And had to partake of her own mother's troubles. With 7 younger siblings in tow, that was a lot to take for a 15 year old whose worries should have only been limited to what to wear to the prom, what course to take up in College, and whatnot. But because she had to grow up, she missed all those stuff and instead ensured that her siblings are well taken cared of...that all their properties are intact...that whatever assets her father (my maternal grandfather) left behind is safe for the sake of the future generation. Not limited to physical assets but those that has been taught by my maternal grandparents. A legacy of hope, of love, that the family remain bonded despite the storm.

The past and her desire to save a generation of heritage is the source of her wisdom and the source of her strength.

My mama has been a mother for so long that she couldn't help but be one to all. This is a privilege that only a few can handle and truly understand. One cannot be a nurturing mother if she has not nurtured younger siblings or truly put others before herself! And this is a fact that people tend to forget.

And so this Mother's Day which is celebrated every 2nd Sunday of May let me honor my own Mama. I did not make life any easier for her but I love her beyond the confusion, through the tears, for every spat we had. But for me and my siblings, there could only be one Mama... And no one else can fit into her shoes.

Advance Happy mother's day Mama!

On Mother's day and my thought bubbles

It was a thoughtful mother's day for me. Though my hands were busy with a new cake recipe, my mind wandered aimlessly with "motherly" thoughts. Thoughts about my children and my own childhood, thoughts about how I fare with my kids as their mother. Questioning myself whether I am doing alright. The following are questions that I have raised for myself and which I would like to be able to answer with all honesty:

As a mother..

1. Am I fair?

2. Am I kind with my words?

3. Am I a source of encouragement?

4. Do I promote happiness?

5. Am I teaching my children humility by being humble myself? or am I so high-strung to admit my own mistakes?

6. Do I seek ways to be a better mother to my children or do I expect my children to be better for me?

7. Are my children coming home to a house filled with warmth or do they find themselves always tensed up when they are home?

8. Am I careful with my words? or do I often choose to say things that cuts like a sharp knife?

9. How often have I allowed my emotions to rule over me? over a sound judgement? 

10. Do I allow myself to hurt my chidlren physically and verbally?   Have I said something to my children that may harm them for life? Or have I always chosen to say things right?

There are so many more in my thought bubbles...but these are the ones that I am more concerned about. 

Being a mother is a responsibility! It is not only by choice that we become mothers but a calling! And just like any other vocation, this calling definitely make us responsible for our actions. Because in the end, we will not only be held accountable for how we fared as a mother, but also how we handled our children. 

There's so much things to change, so much lessons, not to unlearn, but to improve on. I want my children growing up confident of their abilities, determined, undaunted. I want them unafraid to share their opinion and always true to themselves. I hope my children will not be mere reflections of me and my husband but the kind of persons they want to be.

I have simple dreams for my children because I know that the role of dreaming big would be theirs. I am here to guide them not to pamper, not to ridicule, not to underestimate their abilities. I am their mother, and I know I can do more when my hands become an instrument to guide and not to hurt. A mother with fingers that can point them to the right direction, not fingers that will always point out and enumerate their mistakes. Arms that will hold them close whenever they are hurt or when they are victorious in even their smallest triumphs; not arms that will push them away...

borrowed image from lorch-seidel.de

"A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials, heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine, desert us when troubles thicken around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts." ~ Washington Irving ~