Farewell 2012

Tonight I've been doing Barry Manilow's "It's just another New Year's Eve" via humming, whistling, and then really singing it at the top of my lungs :D.  Yep, indeed "it's just another night, that's all it is" as Barry Manilow's voice "wafted" invisibly in and out of my head. It was not even the eve of my own New Year as I recalled my unforgettable 1st of January 2012. But that's all water under the bridge and now I can start anew. Besides Christmas, I love the beginning of each year. As each new year brings Hope and gives everyone a chance to be a better person, to do better, to begin a new story on a clean slate. I breathe in the air of Saudi Arabia and look back at the year that was starting from that one seemingly "tele novela" episode on day 1 of 2012.

I still cry a river over it when am by my lonesome but one thing I realised is that the love that my husband and I share has grown stronger after that day. We laughed more, we laughed longer. We laughed and shared stories in the dining room. Sometimes I catch myself telling my kids to keep quiet but remind myself at the same time that the dining room is the perfect venue for our family to share anecdotes, stories of our own childhood, and glow at the sound of our children's laughter. Nope, am not saying that my family is perfect but I rejoice in the knowledge that my husband and I are able to share with them our time, our whole life and our own stories. 

Last year was a year to reckon with, for a while I stopped praying. I stopped cleaning the house, I stopped blogging, I stopped planning. Like a clock that was on borrowed battery time, I just stopped. And that resulted to such an empty feeling that almost engulfed me to oblivion. I'm just so glad that I was able to lift myself up from the deep end so to speak. All the while my husband has become the source of my strength. Hence, this made me come up with an idea! Tonight we were supposed to do an activity as I prepared our own "Reflection book" where my children and I would write our thoughts about each other. What we dislike about each other's attitude and perhaps some suggestion on how this can be improved. Then on another part of the book we would each write down our own "promise to improve on". It shouldn't be too grand or too idealistic but something that we can all agree on and cheer each other on achieving. But the kids were all tired so there's always tomorrow :)

This year we all come in clean...with hopeful hearts, my family and I look forward to a better year, a more fruitful one. A year, when we can be more of help to others than the ones who need help. A year when I can finally start fulfilling a lifelong dream. A year when I can validate my passion and end it with a professional title. A year when I can stop looking back at the past and begin looking forward to a better future. So with this in mind, I say "kampai" with my "mental" alcohol and seal my faith with my promise to be a better person for my God above all else, a better wife, a better mother, daughter, sister, friend, and neighbor.

Happy New Year everyone! I hope you had a great start! And I hope all your fingers are still intact after all those firecrackers!

On Mother's day and my thought bubbles

It was a thoughtful mother's day for me. Though my hands were busy with a new cake recipe, my mind wandered aimlessly with "motherly" thoughts. Thoughts about my children and my own childhood, thoughts about how I fare with my kids as their mother. Questioning myself whether I am doing alright. The following are questions that I have raised for myself and which I would like to be able to answer with all honesty:

As a mother..

1. Am I fair?

2. Am I kind with my words?

3. Am I a source of encouragement?

4. Do I promote happiness?

5. Am I teaching my children humility by being humble myself? or am I so high-strung to admit my own mistakes?

6. Do I seek ways to be a better mother to my children or do I expect my children to be better for me?

7. Are my children coming home to a house filled with warmth or do they find themselves always tensed up when they are home?

8. Am I careful with my words? or do I often choose to say things that cuts like a sharp knife?

9. How often have I allowed my emotions to rule over me? over a sound judgement? 

10. Do I allow myself to hurt my chidlren physically and verbally?   Have I said something to my children that may harm them for life? Or have I always chosen to say things right?

There are so many more in my thought bubbles...but these are the ones that I am more concerned about. 

Being a mother is a responsibility! It is not only by choice that we become mothers but a calling! And just like any other vocation, this calling definitely make us responsible for our actions. Because in the end, we will not only be held accountable for how we fared as a mother, but also how we handled our children. 

There's so much things to change, so much lessons, not to unlearn, but to improve on. I want my children growing up confident of their abilities, determined, undaunted. I want them unafraid to share their opinion and always true to themselves. I hope my children will not be mere reflections of me and my husband but the kind of persons they want to be.

I have simple dreams for my children because I know that the role of dreaming big would be theirs. I am here to guide them not to pamper, not to ridicule, not to underestimate their abilities. I am their mother, and I know I can do more when my hands become an instrument to guide and not to hurt. A mother with fingers that can point them to the right direction, not fingers that will always point out and enumerate their mistakes. Arms that will hold them close whenever they are hurt or when they are victorious in even their smallest triumphs; not arms that will push them away...

borrowed image from lorch-seidel.de

"A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials, heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine, desert us when troubles thicken around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts." ~ Washington Irving ~

Deja vu

picture from zazzle.com

Hmp! This morning I sounded like a raving lunatic hahaha yep I can laugh about it, now that my kids have gone to school. But earlier there was the feeling of "deja vu" at the back of my mind while I ranted like a zombie on a rampage. I realised I was saying my early morning sermons like my mom...oh please don't get me wrong...am not saying that my mom is like a raving lunatic or a zombie on a rampage. That bit part is uniquely me...and my husband can attest to that; he was my sole witness this morning. Well we woke up this morning the same time we always do on a normal school day. And whilst I put my multi-tasking skills to test in the kitchen (cooking cum washing the dishes, packing their lunch boxes, and preparing their breakfast) my kids were exceptionally slow! This drove my mouth to run at the same rate as my hands and legs were doing. And while everything was going topsy-turvy, I noticed how my husband tried his best not to cover his ears lest he earns my ire too! lol

Back to the "deja vu"...i realised how I have adapted much of my mom's usual morning sermon. Back then words like "ako lang ang gumagawa dito" (am the only one who does everything around here), "hindi naman kayo makatulong" (no one even bothers helping me), "ang babagal ninyo kumilos" (you're such slowpokes), "hindi malayong atakihin ako sa inyo" (it's not a remote possibility that I may suffer a heart attack because of you) formed an "integral" part of our usual "breakfast"....haay the list is endless. I just felt weird saying those very same things and to think that when I was their age I would always remind myself not to say the same verbiage to my "future" kids. But now I catch myself doing much of the same hoopla. 

We all come from the same mold I guess, and there's not much that we can do. Except be more careful with what we say to our children. I have to do some editing and make a couple of revisions though as sometimes I feel that I may be going overboard. But for now let me just get a breath of fresh air and laugh about it... haha

Disclaimer: this particular article was not done to sully my mother's good name. It was written to admit that I am my mother's daughter and that a mother's life is like a movie we always have the tendency to do a remake! Good day everyone!  :)

Bridging the distance with Prayers...

A week ago I was counting the time and wondering how long before the plane would land and before my children and I find ourselves in the arms of my husband. Today I wish I held my mom in my arms much longer and told her how much I love her. Back in the airport she held me and I just cried and cried not knowing what to say, while my mom, like the kind of mother she is, just shushed me and told me as if I was a little girl again, to stop crying and to make sure that I take good care of her grandchildren expecially my only girl.

Last night I just received news that she suffered another heart attack and I am quite apprehensive as this is her 5th. What can a daughter who is too far away do? I am limited by the distance between us that all I can do is try to be positive and leave everything to God. This is probably the reason why my visa was held at the embassy, it's probably the same reason why during the time I was fixing our documents everything kept stalling. I should probably have spent more time with my mom rather than worry about our papers. :(  I pray that the Lord hears my prayers as there are still a lot of places I want her to see, there are still a lot of things that I want to give her. One of the reasons why I left my job back home to pursue a life abroad was because I want to show her the world and let her live comfortably. I just pray so hard that my mom gets to hurdle through this again. There is not much I can do really...except pray for my dear mother and I appeal to my readers to do the same.