Saturday, March 3, 2012

The start of my "own" New Year

January 1, 2012 for me is a memory that I'd rather forget. While everybody was blowing their New Year horns, I was blowing my nose. Hence, I am starting my New Year this 1st of March ~ in this way, it will be a new beginning for me. I have lamented enough. I went through the phase of coping with feelings of shame, self-pity, anger, self-reproach, and have begun questioning my life purpose. Such feelings led me to be lethargic, I went deeper into my shell. For awhile I became an introvert...not wanting to see or talk to well meaning friends. I deactivated my FB, and bombarded my twitter account with quotes that were similar to how I felt. Whenever we went out to buy a few stuff in the nearby store, I always felt nauseous and badly wanted to go back home. Home and my bed were my only solace...the only place I felt safe. I went through the whole nine yards!

It was pretty bad for me. But it was my daughter who suffered most from my pathetic state. I was like a zombie going through my daily routine without a thought. And when triggered???, I was really piqued!  It was tough to hide what I was going through from my husband (of course). But all throughout, my loving husband held my hand and was able to convince me to spill the beans. I was not really comfortable sharing my thoughts with him, most especially after all he's witnessed on that particular New year morning. You see. I've always tried my darnedest to be perfect for the love of my life. He deserves only the best part of me. So, for him to hear and see stuff, was for me, very disquieting.

But I've pondered and wondered and that's over and gone. All through such a trying time, I only had my rosary and my husband's hands to hold. Then the afterglow...this gave me a glimpse of life's perfection. More things to look forward to. A loving family...a responsible, faithful, wonderful and caring husband by my side...wonderful children...they are my reason to live. The past should not hold me. And to quote part of the message sent to me by my youngest sister ~ "...never let anyone put a price tag on you. Only YOU can. Only YOU should. Not even families are given such a right. Or even more correct. ONLY GOD CAN put a price tag on you -- being the giver of our life, being our Creator who made us in His image..."

I will always be thankful to have come from a family with both parents present from day 1, with crazy but loving sisters. In this life, no one, not even families are perfect but we learn. We learn from how we were treated as individuals and use such experience to be a better person...a better wife...a better mother.

I've listed down my objectives for this year:
1. Continue praying. Teach my children how to pray from the heart.
2. Love my husband even more.
3. Stay fit.
4. Spread happiness and positivity by smiliing more, loving more and not sweating the small stuff.
(I've actually posted a sign outside our door that says: "Smile! Bawal sa loob ng bahay ang nakasimangot!" in English, "Smile! Frowning inside the house is prohibited")
5. Encourage more. Complain less. 
6. Be fair and forgiving.
7. Be patient.
8. Be humble.
9. No name calling. No comparing. Avoid demeaning. (Children will always remember what you think of them)
10. Be an inspiration to my family and to other people.

I'm not perfect, I know. But my God is. He will be my constant inspiration to be better.

"The most sacred place dwells within our heart, where dreams are born and secrets sleep, a mystical refuge of darkness and light, fear and conquest, adventure and discovery, challenge and transformation. Our heart speaks for our soul every moment while we are alive. Listen... as the whispering beat repeats: be...gin, be...gin, be...gin. It's really that simple. Just begin... again." ~ Royce Addington ~

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